I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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