i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
