pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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