My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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