don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize
