did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
