Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
