Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
