This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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