sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
There's always time for handjobs
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
