I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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