Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
