This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
God I need to hump something, right now.
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