If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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