i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
