K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
