i think my mom watched the whole time
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
