you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
