You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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