We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
