I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
