Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
