Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
