So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
