I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
