i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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