$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
