I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
