3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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