imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
