My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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