In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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