Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
