She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
