can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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