They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
