If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
