His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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