I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
