we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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