besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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