Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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