You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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