Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
