I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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