Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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