He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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