I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
