I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
