Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
