I am puke
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
