Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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